Plight of the Bumblebee

I was getting dressed and I heard the very loud unmistakeable buzzing of a bee.  He was flying to the top of my vaulted ceiling constantly bumping his poor nose trying to climb higher. 

I watched for a few minutes and decided to open my window (it has no screen) to see if it would notice the flux of air that entered the room.  After a minute or two it went to the closed side, then flew a few inches away from its freedom, then flew back up to the top of my ceiling.  In a way I sensed the bee's frustration as logically it makes sense to push higher to find freedom.  It even kept trying to navigate the only danger in the room, a rotating ceiling fan, to see if that would find relief.  Of course it did not and sometimes the bee found itself hurtling towards the glass. 

I continued watching the plight of this bee, willing it to go towards the window.  He got close one more time and then zoomed back towards the ceiling.   After watching for several minutes, I needed to get on my way, I still found myself thinking of how often I must do exactly as this bee.

I often logically want to do things that make sense to me.  Sometimes, it works.  Other times, I find myself doing exactly what Einstein tells us not to do when solving a problem.  He said, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  I am often insane!  Just like the bee I keep bumping my head on the ceiling trying to find a solution to my problems, when in reality I can tell it's not working.  

After bumping along it can be tempting to drift toward the dangerous fans of life.  To let down my guard a little bit and "take a break"... I deserve it.  I find myself being tempted to solve my problems by the world's standards then I too find myself hurtling towards a place I don't want to be.  

How many times do I receive inspiration and am inches away from being free of a problem that weighs me down and then I zoom back to what I was doing before.  My faith not any more stronger than when I started.  

I wonder if the Father watches me with all my vigor, strength, and energy that I put into my day bouncing around, doing my best to soar for the day, and he is willing me fly to the open window of faith.  Of true prayer.  

My current plight is my lack of faith in prayer.  Can it really help me?  Can it really make that much of a difference in my day?  I am ashamed to admit that I have felt those promptings that it can and I haven't truly acted.  I believe then I echo that of the father with the crippled son, "Help thou my unbelief".  

In our broadcast for Stake Conference on Sunday, Tad Callister mentioned an analogy that stuck with me.  In racketball, if you hit the ball slowly against the wall, it will come back slowly.  If you drive the ball to the wall, it will drive back at you with almost the same velocity.  So it is with prayer.  The Father wants nothing more than to bless you with his choicest blessing.  It's my effort that is standing in the way. 

Don't get me wrong.  I pray.  I pray all the time.  In my heart, with my children, with my family.  I have many conversations with my Father in Heaven and I feel Him directing my life.  The prayer I am talking about is the deep, soul searching prayers that seem to come only when my heart can't take anymore.  I don't want to have to get to that point to have those kinds of prayers.  

So.  Back to the bee.  I left and shut my bedroom door behind me hoping that the bee would find it's freedom.  When I came home he was gone.  I don't know that kind of effort that finally went into his "Aha" moment but I do know that he finally escaped.  

Am I running faster than I have strength because I am trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?  The Father is willing me to my knees, to my open window to freedom of these heavy burdens.  He can make them light.  I just need to stop bumping my head.     

Two sides to every story

Today I wanted to make the whole day about the kids.  We needed some good quality time together.  We forgot the chores and went out for the day.  I have a lot on my mind and plate so sometimes it's nice to set that aside.  I was able to do that until I over heard a conversation at the park.  I didn't mean to, but it was right next to me.

I was sitting enjoying the sunshine when a father and two children showed up.  I heard the way he tenderly took care of his young son and the encouragement he gave to his daughter.  As they ran off to play, he took a phone call. 

The bits and pieces that floated to me was what sounded like the conversation one would have when trying to settle a divorce.  Not wanting to pry, I really tried to dive into my smart phone.  Well, it didn't help.  Our paths kept crossing as our little ones wanted to do the same thing. 

I developed a mental picture of this family's situation all I heard was his side.  I heard someone who was very calm.  I heard him validate, what I assume is his wife, her concerns and then voiced his own.  Throughout the conversation I heard him very calmly and rationally handle what I was imagining an emotional and upset tirade on the other end of the line. 

All through this time, I imagined myself on both sides.  I am more emotional and imbalanced than I want to be so I can definitely relate to the upset woman on the other side.  I could also hear the sound reason coming from the struggling father.  I can relate to that too.

So why this post?  Why write about someone's heartache?  It made me sad.  It made me think about all the marriages that I know of in my small life that ended up in "failure".  What brought them to this point.  What selfishness and pride brought the both of them and others to the point of tearing the family apart?  I ache for those kids.  I ache for the parents.  I ache for the dad who seems like he is trying his best.  I bet she is too.

It made me reflect on the things that I have in my control that can make my marriage and family life a little better.   How is it that Satan can grab such a hold of hearts and twist them till there is no blood left to bleed?  When that happens willpower and strength are gone.  Hope is replaced with darkness and fear. 

How do I combat this?  How do I muddle through the dark murky water that seems to be surrounding me?  How do I find the strength to fight even harder for my family? 

I realized in watching this family disintegrate before my eyes how important it is to put your family above everything else.  To let the little things go.  It's not worth the suffering on the other end. 

There is hope in the Savior Jesus Christ.  His plan is the plan of happiness.  There is a way back no matter what.  Repentance is real and the atonement was made for every sin, but more importantly for every heartache, suffering, grief or sorrow.  For every disappointment, trial, and times of loneliness and abandonment.  I want him to hold my heart and give it life. 

He he knows both sides of the story can heal each side. 

Following the Signs

I have many thoughts flit through my head that I think would be great analogies for a talk or even to write them down.  Do I?  Rarely.  This blog idea came a long time ago.  I attached it to my family blog intending to not really advertise that it's here but use it more for those thoughts.  In a way, it's almost more a journal for my head.  All those things that I think I will remember but don't.  Let's hope I remember to write them down in here!

Here is one of those random thoughts that I actually wrote down in my phone. 

I love to travel.  I love the thrill of the new place.  The adventure of getting through an airport.  I love to people watch and often get caught up in the immensity of everyone needing to go to a different place.  Each have their own worries, troubles, triumphs, expectations.  It amazes me that there are so many individuals that have specific needs and there is a Father that knows. Each. One. 

I was traveling sans my many kids and husband, something I secretly really  enjoy.  I arrived in my destination following signs to the baggage claim area.  The airport was under major construction so it looked like a constant tunnel as you navigated through.  I am a "sign reader" so I don't stress too much if I don't know my way.  Almost always your destination is marked with some way to get you there.

I was waiting for the train to get me to where I needed to go and a woman approached me with apparent worry and concern.  She asked me if this was the way to baggage claim.  I assured her that it was and showed her the sign above her head.  I could tell she didn't quite want to let go of the worry and concern based off my testimony alone so I explained in detail the sign that she was reading.  Eventually I saw the concern around her eyes relax.  Her shoulders dropped down and she said a grateful thank you. 

I thought about our conversation for the rest of my trip.  I thought about all of the people who do not have the gospel in their own lives and don't have signs to follow.  Those signs that assure that even amongst chaos and destruction, we can still find our way.

I truly believe that I often take my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for granted.  I wake up every morning with knowledge of who I am, why I am here, and where I am going after this life.  I have the assurance that I will see my infant daughter again.  I don't often recognize the blessing that I have of the fullness of the good news.

The signs that I am most grateful right now are: a living prophet, the scriptures, and prayer.

The living prophet:

Currently I am struggling with many burdens that have years of work left in them.  I find myself constantly trying to shift around the load so that I can make it a little more comfortable.  I try to plant my legs so that my back can bear the heavy load.  Often times I feel like my feet have been planted in quick sand and I find that I am sinking in despair. 

President Monson is a man of optimism.  I hear his voice in my head as I start to sink "The future is as bright as your faith."  I hear his voice talk about the many blessings that we enjoy both as members and as a society. 

I have a constant inner battle with myself as I know certain things are true but then doubt other aspects.  President Monson said, "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other."  So true.  

With a living prophet at the helm, I don't have to stress about missing some of the signs along my journey.  I just have to listen, believe, and act.

The Scriptures:

 There is a power in daily reading of the scriptures.  Such a simple thing to do.  A few minutes out of my day to stop and read God's word brings such tremendous strength into my life.  

I am starting to realize that there are universal human behavior that each person struggles with.  Pride, anger, impatience, envy, entitlement... the list can go one.  Each trait is portrayed in the scriptures.  It shows in detail the beginning, middle, and end of what happens when you choose to follow the signs leading back to our Father and when you choose not too.  It is pretty black and white.  

I am constantly amazed at how the scripture prophets can speak straight to my soul.  Sometimes the words that they wrote in their anguish was what I was feeling in mine.  Their faith, courage, and commitment buoy me up.  I see what holding on a little longer can do for you.  Miracles.  

Following the signs in the scriptures help me keep this life in perspective.  It keeps my thoughts elevated to something better.  Eternal life.

Prayer:

I have a love/hate relationship with prayer.  This is an area that I feel I haven't quite mastered yet.  Kneeling makes me light headed.  If I don't kneel I feel like a slacker.  I don't like speaking out loud, and yet when I do, words often tumble out of my mouth that I had never thought to say before.  

I say prayers all day in my head.  Quick thank you's up to heaven or prayers for a burst of strength or patience.  The morning prayers often suffer because of the immediate responsibilities that wake me in the morning and my evening prayers often end up in dreaming because I am exhausted from the days work.  

So.  Recognizing that prayer is an essential sign to follow in my life I continue to establish a better habit of  "pour your heart out" kind of prayer.  I feel cleansed when I am finished.  I often feel at peace.  Sometimes the words are hard to come and yet that is when I feel my Advocate come between me and the Father to speak that words that won't flow.  It truly is a powerful experience.  

Prayer is a direct link to heaven.  I often want to feel heaven near.  To feel my daughter who passed.  Maybe I should be putting my effort in my link to heaven.  

I wonder how many times I come to the Father with worry and concern written all over my face and the sign is right above my head pointing the way I should go.  I would like to rely on my heavenly signs with ease just like I do when I travel.  A knowledge that they are everywhere.

My life is constantly under construction just like the airport I went through.  Sometimes it is dark with tunnels and other times I arrive at destinations where it is bright and sunny.  My journey through life is littered with signs all around me.

All I have to do is look up.